1/5 stars
“And then, the dragon shoots lasers from its eyes and the hero flies through the sky with a sword of rainbows and his friend pinky poo…”. That’s kind of what I expect when I play with my niece – imagination gone wild. Sure it’s a beautiful thing for a five year old, but these fantasy trips on crack tend to get pretty exhausting. Unfortunately, that’s what you can expect from The Huntsman: Winter’s War. With so many goblins, so many fairies and so much of everything fantastical, it’s no wonder I stumble out of the cinema with the need to stare at a white, blank wall for an hour or two.
The Huntsman: Winter’s War follows the current fad for superhero vs superhero but this time it’s the mean Queens Freya and Ravenna – sisters by the way – that fight it out. Every scene is such a spectacular show of fierce outfits, poses and camera-banging looks that it would make Tyra Banks proud. Here it just looks ridiculous.
In her short appearance, Charlize Theron continues her overacting from the previous film, Snow White and The Huntsman. Chris Hemsworth seems unable to wipe that I’m-so-hot-smirk off his face while constantly swinging his axe and handing us boring one-liners. The only actors that remotely attract a bit of interest are Jessica Chastain and Sope Dirisu, but not even they can salvage this shallow love-conquers-all-toothache.
But perhaps I’m being too harsh. At least The Huntsman: Winter’s War makes you think. You’ll find yourself asking the tough questions like “Why?” “Why am I here?” “Why was this made?” “How do I sneak out of this cinema?” “Why does Hollywood hate me?”
It never ceases to amaze me how many nightmares the dream factory spits out (in amongst all the good stuff). In this case someone has let their kid run wild, mashing Frozen, Snow White, Lord of the Rings – and basically everything else that is cool and shiny – into this abomination of a time waste. So is there anything good about this movie? A saving grace perhaps? Definitely the end.
